Incel Pro-Hamas Protesters Fail to Ruin GOP Win in Congressional Soccer Game
Even sick freak Hamas supporters couldn't distract from the fun that came from another GOP win
This year’s Congressional Soccer Game resulted in a predictable GOP win, but it didn’t exactly go off without any hitches–one problem was self-inflicted, and the other was caused by a group of deranged pro-Hamas activists who departed shortly after a low-energy sideline protest which did not result in the freeing of “Palestine,” despite their murmurings.
Every year, Republicans face off against Democrats–with assists from both staff and some former soccer players. Recently, the GOP has been dominant, aided by both competent offense and the Democrats’ confusing willingness to keep Eric Swalwell in at goalie. Swalwell is of course, notoriously easy to score on both off and on the field, and he let up one of the most pathetic goals in the history of the tournament, taking an early dive and futilely crawling on the field before the ball went in.
One commonality that both teams seemed to have was an utter disdain for training before the 80-minute game. Congressman David Valadao, for example, told me how he prepared: “I went back into my office after votes, changed clothes, and came out to the soccer field.”
Congressman Dan Crenshaw put a bit more work into his prep–but not by much. “I finished Ted Lasso, [which] kind of died off towards the end, but I did start David Beckham’s documentary, so I was feeling pretty prepared after that. Other than that, I was pretty much not prepared.”
Prior to kickoff, however, there was already a snafu with the ticketing situation, with dozens of aspiring attendees waiting way too long to figure out how to get in, even when most had ordered the free tickets ahead of time. I was at this event last year; this is not the World Cup.
Quite frankly, anyone who had even a faint interest in watching soccer should have been let in with open arms. Eventually, everyone who wanted to enter did get in–which caused further problems, because a group of about ten people who were more interested in ruining everyone’s night than they were in watching the game of the year were let in as well.
As befits basically any event in public, there was a small group of pro-Hamas freaks who walked up to the sideline, literally shrieked about freeing “Palestine” for a few minutes, then left after everyone dunked on them.
Speaking of dunking, Swalwell was a target of much GOP chiding after he let up the ultimately-decisive goal.
And Republican members of Team GOP thanked him for his incompetence in a series of sideline interviews I conducted after the game. Remember that hours before both Democrats and Republicans took to the field, both parties teamed up to decisively reject a move to replace Speaker Mike Johnson with…who, exactly?
However, players were back to their literal red and blue jerseys for the game. At halftime, General-turned-Congressman Don Bacon suggested that Republicans need to “bend it like Bacon” in the second half if they wanted to ensure a victory.
That’s ultimately what happened. Bacon, the co-chair, told me that the GOP comeback that ended the first half was a great roadmap for how to close the game out. “Teamwork wins, two or three people who don’t play with the team undermine the whole team.”
Likewise, Valadao–who consistently vanquishes Democrats’ efforts to oust him in his perpetually swing-y district–told me that his team’s on-field play gives his party a roadmap. He saw “members obviously working together, passing the ball, communicating. I’d like to have a little more of that on the field in the actual Capitol…even after the goals are scored, congratulating both sides and having a good time and just enjoying ourselves.”
Year in and out, Valadao also has the largest section cheering for him in the crowd, which he told me he appreciates, even though “I think they all have videos of me” falling and they’ll rub it in throughout the year.
One player, who was arguably the Republicans’ MVP, was Congressman Bryan Steil–who came so prepared for the game this year that he actually wore the proper footwear this go-around. “I actually remembered to bring my cleats this year,” he said, calling it “a major step forward from last year’s footwear, where I was in running shoes, which is wildly insufficient for the grass here at Audi Field.”
That made all the difference for him in another year of a banner performance from the Wisconsinite. “I made it through a solid minute or two before I ran out of gas. We won though, that’s what matters,” he said, prioritizing the team over himself yet again.
One act of drama that didn’t take place this year following the win was that Crenshaw did not pop his fake eyeball out of its socket and drop it in the trophy. My coverage of that last year went viral, and I asked him why he didn’t want to do it this time. “Well the refs behaved themselves more or less,” he said. “Last year, I was fouled right in the box, it was really obvious…they did okay.” So, he spared us all.
After the players departed from the field, there of course remains some uncertainty about what will go on in their day jobs. But Valadao, who has been dubbed by many as the “Dairy King of Congress,” knew exactly what he and his team wanted to do after.
“We’ll be drinking the best recovery drink of all: chocolate milk,” the Californian told me.